Featured Review: DISASTER MOVIE

To read last week's mini review on Star Wars: The Clone Wars, or any other of the 94 movies from 2008 I've seen, CLICK HERE.


Disaster Movie



Starring- Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, Nicole Parker, Crista Flanagan, Calvin 'G Thang' Johnson, Ike Barinholtz, Kim Kardashian



Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer



Grade: F


"That sounds kind of gay, dude."

WRITER'S NOTE: I did not pay to see this film. I have a reputation to uphold.

I try to be a consummate professional when critiquing movies; I don't want to be like the filmmakers of Disaster Movie and delve into the lowest forms of trepidation by mocking something so mercilessly and pointlessly infantile like Disaster Movie, and make an entire article one long ode to terrible filmmaking. It may certainly seem futile on such a wispy and unnecessary movie, but I'll give this short review my best academic reasoning behind why I and many, many, many others will hate this film, many without even seeing it.

By calling their film Disaster Movie, directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer purposefully and openly set themselves up for a barrage of reviews that use a pun along the lines of "a complete disaster of a movie". They don't need the critics. Instead they have a built-in audience of ADHD-riddled pre-teens and their parents who read the glossy supermarket magazines about Brangelina's latest adoption news. Friedberg, Seltzer and Lionsgate can laugh all the way to the bank while their "fans" hopelessly sit through 90 minutes of laughless celluloid. But gaging the audience that showed up for the screening, perhaps once and for all the last laugh will be on them.

If you've actually sat through one of these films, you know the title is misleading. While each film has a threadbare plot throughout that coincide with the name, every film is just weak satire on the minute pop culture of our society. The most sensible way to describe the plot goes like this: Will (Matt Lanter) and Amy (MTV's Vanessa Minnillo) break up because of his commitment issues. Will's friend Calvin (Gary 'G Thang' Johnson) then throws him a birthday party. When the city is under attack by some hurricane or what have you and Amy is trapped in a museum where she works, Will, Calvin, and other characters face strange encounters, most not involving any sort of actual 'disaster'. It's best left not to describe it.

The plot, or whatever you make of it, is more or less a patchwork of Cloverfield and The Day After Tomorrow. But they won't reference the latter by name because the core audience of Disaster Movie were but mere babies when that film was released in 2004. A real satire on disaster movies (which in effect was already done by David Zucker's Airplane! spoof on the Airport series) would have highlighted the Irwin Allen years, the random star power of those films (no Carmen Electra is not a 'star') or at least thrown in some sly winks to the 1990's revival of the genre. No Charleston Heston tributes? No dice.

Instead it's the kind of film that references one of the most quotable lines in the Rocky franchise, forever over-saturated on t-shirts and pop culture shows, by saying "Like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV, 'I must break you'". You know, in case the kids younger than 11 don't get the reference in between the 'jokes' of a film of which the oldest parody reference is December 2006's Night At The Museum.

It's the kind of film that sings TWO musical numbers that are so annoyingly bad and random that it actually makes you think "Prom Tonight" from 2001's Not Another Teen Movie deserved a Grammy. Or at least a Juno award.

It's the kind of film that drags on for 5 minutes "making fun" of Hannah Montana's self-promotion. But really, it sounded like they were giving Miley Cyrus a pitch more than actually making fun of her. Maybe when Cyrus' show ends and she's about 2 months away from defying daddy in a Playboy or Maxim spread, she'll star in Oscar Movie or Animated Movie (or isn't she already doing that in Bolt?).

It's the kind of film that doesn't even bother hiring lookalike actors anymore. The guy who did Dr. Phil looked, talked and acted nothing like the real subject, and the way they wrote his character can't even be considered a 'parody' since it wasn't even making fun of things he's known for.

It's the kind of film that has a guy named 'G Thang' as one of its stars.

Sadly I have to admit that Disaster Movie edges out Friedberg/Seltzer's previous installment Meet The Spartans just an infinite fraction of an iota. While Spartans was devoid of a single laugh, Disaster did throw me for a couple of "I cannot believe they are doing this" chuckles. Perhaps the only genuinely funny moment, and an awkward one at that, was Nicole Parker's take of Amy Adams' Enchanted princess, describing her drug tolerance. But considering she did cheap impersonations of Jessica Simpson and Amy Winehouse as well, she deserves just as much ire as the rest of the prorated MadTV cast.

I refuse to end this article with a cheap titular pun. Friedberg and Seltzer know they want it, but they don't deserve it.